Since the last week or so has seemed to be all about doctors & hospitals, I thought I would stick with the theme . . .
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life…
A huge heart…. covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, ‘I’m so sorry… I was just thinking of my own funeral . . . I’m a Gynecologist!’
The priest fainted!
PREGNANT AT 71
An elderly woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by one of the older doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
A younger doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him . After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The young doctor marched down the hallway back to where the old doctor was writing on his clipboard.
“What the heck is the matter with you?!” the young doctor demanded. “Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!”
The old doctor continued writing, and without looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
October 28, 2014
October 15, 2014
Yesterday morning was the day I went to be assessed for Pulmonary Rehab.
My day started off well, I got to the hospital in plenty of time even though I was totally unfamiliar with the area. I even found a parking spot – will wonders never cease? However, when I went to pay for parking & get the ticket, no ticket would print. I re-read all the directions carefully & tried again, but still no ticket. So I read through all the instructions very carefully, searching to see if I had missed something & tried again – still no ticket!
At this point I was going to be late for my appointment so I put a note on my dash & headed into the hospital. After I walked all the way up the handicapped ramp (which was like a circular staircase) to avoid the half dozen steps & down a hall a short way I found a “Parking Office.” Afraid I might get towed away, I stopped in to let them know what I had done. The girl behind the desk said, “I’ll come with you to help you.” So I had to walk all the walk all the way back to my vehicle. Within a moment she had the parking ticket for me (nowhere in the directions does it tell you to remove your credit card & I read them yet again). So then I set off again, up the handicapped ramp, past the parking office & down a fairly long hallway before I found a sign pointing me in the right direction.
I’ve asked this question before, but I’m going to ask it again – why is every treatment office for people with breathing difficulties such a long walk away from the entrance to the building?
When I finally reached the right place I was huffing & puffing quite heavily. A lovely young lady welcomed me into the office & proceeded to monitor my breathing, blood pressure, heart rate, height, weight & ask me questions for her questionnaire. Then she provided me with a smock (much nicer than any other hospital gown I’ve ever been given) & she attached 10 leads all over my chest. Then I was taken to see a doctor who went through all my history again. He asked pertinent questions about how much I need to use my cane, the amount of pain in my knee, distance I can walk, readings I have been taking at home from my pulse oximeter (the thing you put on your finger that tells you how much oxygen you are getting at any given point & what your heart rate is). Then the doctor excused himself & left me sitting in his office for about 10 minutes.
When the doctor returned he informed me he had been meeting with “the team” & it was their opinion it was too dangerous for me to participate in their program due to my particular set of ailments. He suggested instead my doctor contact HomeCare & ask them to come to my home to teach me some exercises to help with my breathing. He also provided me with a very informative booklet which outlined a lot of information for people with COPD, how to make your life easier when you have respiratory problems & suggestions for some breathing exercises.
To say I was disappointed would be an understatement. I have tried to be very proactive in dealing with my lung disease & to not be able to participate in a program specially set up for people with lung disease was quite a blow. The walk back to my car was taken much more slowly.
October 7, 2014
Yesterday was my 13th Wedding Anniversary, so I thought I would focus along those lines this week. This seemed like a typical conversation between a husband & wife:
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, “Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!”
Pa replies, “There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse.”
Ma yells back, “Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.”
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,“Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse!”
“Ma replies, “Stick yur head in the hole!”
Pa yells back, “I ain’t stickin my head in that hole!
“Ma says, “Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.”
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,
“Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with this outhouse!”
Ma hollers back, “Now take your head out of the hole!”
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, “Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!
To which Ma replies,“Hurts, don’t it?!”
It ‘s an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth
October 2, 2014
On Friday, Sept. 19 I was informed by AISH (Alberta Income for Severely Handicapped) that my application for disability payments had been denied. I could appeal but I would have to drive halfway across the city to pick up the appeal forms & my appeal needed to be filed within 30 days. I had planned to try to pick up the forms on Tuesday, Sept. 23 because I was going to have our vehicle for my doctor’s appts. Since that day got messed up by extra appointments being squeezed into my day, hubby & I decided we would pick up the forms on Thursday. We were going to be out anyway for my chest CT scan.
My scan appt. was scheduled for 1345 so we decided to go to the AISH office first. We live on the North East side of Edmonton & the AISH office is on the West side of the city, so it was a long drive. When we got there we had difficulty finding a parking spot. We arrived at the 5th floor office where we were met with a sign saying the office was closed between noon & 1 p.m. We arrived at 12:07. We can’t even pick up a form since there is no one but a security guard there. We went to the hospital where I had my chest CT scan done & then returned to the office afterwards.
When we arrived back at the office, we found 2 clerks behind glass & 2 security guards in the waiting area. Hubby asked if we could speak to someone about our appeal & he was told we could only contact the staff by phone or email. No, the clerks behind glass did not take messages. So why did we have to drag ourselves all the way down to their office? Why didn’t they mail out the appeal forms or at least have them available on their website? This office is supposed to be helping people with disabilities & they are forcing handicapped people to travel to an inaccessible office with little or no parking to pick up a form?
I applied for AISH at the same time I applied for CPP disability. I signed a form when I applied allowing AISH to use all the same medical reports CPP was given. It took AISH 4 months to determine I qualified for benefits because of family income. I was told it would take them 4 more months to determine if I qualified medically.
I was refused CPP benefits, appealed my decision & have since been approved. I heard nothing from AISH during all that time. According to the letter I received from AISH I did not provide them with enough medical reports, but during all the months they had my application they never asked for additional medical reports. It took them 4 months to look at my application & decide I had not provided enough information? They couldn’t have picked up a phone & asked for more information? They couldn’t have sent me a letter, outlining what additional information they required? Did they even look at the forms CPP was using? I don’t have answers for any of these questions.
If they are sharing the same medical reports as the federal government & I have been approved for disability benefits AND a disability tax credit, why do they require something different?
I can only assume by the presence of 2 security guards in their office & the clerks being behind glass, they must get a lot of aggravated clients & fear for their safety. Considering how they treat people, I can understand why. I will not give up, maybe that’s what they’re hoping for when they make things so difficult?
October 1, 2014
Last week was a heck of a week for me as a patient. Let me tell you about it . . .
On Tuesday, Sept. 23 I had an appointment at 8 a.m. for a lung function test. The test was to be done at a new office to me located in a nearby mall. I had never been in this mall before though so I wasn’t sure where to go. I drove through the parking lot trying to find a sign to give me an indication of where I needed to be. I found an entrance next to the Walmart, saying Northgate Professional Centre, so I parked there & inside the building found a map showing where I needed to be. It turned out the office I needed was on the other side of the mall on the second floor so I boarded the only elevator & went upstairs. Once there I had to wend my way around a couple of corners before I found myself in the actual mall. I set off walking slowly due to my breathing problems & bum knee.
It was interesting to watch all the mall walkers getting their exercise as they passed me hobbling along with my cane. Little did I know, this particular mall took up 3 blocks of property. I kept walking & walking & walking. Finally I saw the name of the clinic I needed to attend. Just before I got to the clinic I took note there was a Dynalife office next door. I had a full PFT (pulmonary function test) done. When you have a breathing problem this test is very exhausting. While I was in the chamber I could hear my cell phone ringing in my purse.
When my test was done I went to the Dynalife office next door. My pulmonologist had been bugging me to get some blood work done & I had the requisition with me. When I walked in the door almost every chair in the waiting room was occupied & there were 3 people ahead of me in line. After an hour of waiting I was called in where they drew 5 vials of blood & then did an ECG to check my heart. Finally done, I made the long walk back to my car.
By the time I got to the car I was exhausted, but checked my phone to see who had called. It turned out it was my primary care physician – he wanted to see me & they could squeeze me in right away, so I rushed to his office. After waiting for half an hour the doctor informed me there were problems with my stool sample (from my annual physical the week before) & I needed to have a colonoscopy.
As soon as I left my doctor’s office I had to rush off to my psychiatrist’s office for my appt. where he kept me waiting for half an hour. By the time I got in to see him he remarked I did not look happy. Apparently they had changed my appt. time to half an hour later than I was originally told & according to his records, the girls at the front desk had “left a message.” I did not get the message. Medications didn’t need any further adjustment at that time so I went home. I was thoroughly exhausted & had a long nap.
When I awoke from my nap, my right wrist was so sore I could barely move it. I couldn’t figure out what I had done until hubby came home from work & suggested it was probably a result of having to use my cane for so much walking that day. Luckily I have a brace so I put it on for a couple days & then it was fine.
On Thursday I had an appointment for a chest CT scan. I had been waiting for this appt. for 6 months but I was definitely not looking forward to it. I am extremely claustrophobic & during other scans I have had panic attacks & had to be pulled out of the machine in the middle of the test. Hubby had driven me because I was sure I was going to have to be sedated. Why is it no matter what test I am having done it’s always a long walk away from the handicapped parking?
Even though I was a half hour early for my appointment, I was taken in right away & given a gown to change into. A very chipper aide came to get me & take me to the room with the machine. She joked all the way there & made me feel so much more comfortable. When I entered the room I involuntarily let out a groan. The aide was at my side right away. Luckily it was one of the new machines with the wider opening. She explained exactly what was going to happen & kept reassuring me the test would be over in 2 minutes. Of course I didn’t believe her. She got me positioned on the table & slid me into the machine feet first which was a great relief to me. My eyes were in the machine during the test but the top of my head was not. I just closed my eyes & held my breath when asked & 3 minutes later the whole test was finished! I thought they were joking – I had gotten myself all worked up for this? I won’t know the results until next month when I see my pulmonologist again.
September 30, 2014
One day a man decided to retire…
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise & proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas & coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”
“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches & the sides & stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”
“But, where did you get the tools?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron & I used that to make tools & used the tools to make the hardware.”
The guy is stunned.
“Let’s row over to my place,” she says “and I’ll give you a tour.” So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin & tree house.
While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Please sit down.”
“Would you like a drink?”
“No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.”
“Oh it’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?”
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts & they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, “I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower & shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.”
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What’s next?”
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean…” he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
“You’ve built a Golf Course?”
September 23, 2014