August 19, 2014
THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A SASKATCHEWAN GIRL
Three friends married women from different parts of the world…..
The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from SASKATCHEWAN. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.
We have been having a heat wave here in Edmonton, at the same time as the A/C in the building I live in broke down & so did the elevator! This is what I feel like:
August 12, 2014
You may be wondering why my Tickle Me Tuesday post this week is a little different. As I was preparing my blog this week, I learned we had lost a great comedian yesterday. For many years Robin Williams provided me with many laughs & what better place to honor his comedy than on a post intended to make you laugh?
I first became aware of Robin Williams as an alien named Mork on the series Mork & Mindy. From the first episode I was hooked – Nanoo, Nanoo! I loved the chemistry between Robin Williams & Pam Dawber and Robin & Jonathan Winters. I never missed an episode & at times I laughed till the tears rolled down my face.
Some of my favorite movies were Mrs. Doubtfire, Good Will Hunting, Patch Adams, Bicentennial Man, What Dreams May Come, Awakenings, The Birdcage, License to Wed, Nine Months, Moscow on the Hudson, Father’s Day (I have License to Wed on my PVR waiting for a rainy afternoon to watch it).
I also loved his stand up specials, especially Comic Relief with Billy Crystal & Whoopi Goldberg!
RIP Robin Williams! You will be missed!
August 5, 2014
This is starting to become a habit, showing up on Tuesday, I’ll have to watch myself . . . This week was even more difficult because Monday (yesterday) was a civic holiday so we had an extra day off which totally messes with my brain as far as what day it is.
Someone has finally explained the reason baby diapers have brand names such as “Luvs” & “Huggies”, while undergarments for old people are called “Depends.”
You see, when babies mess their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em & Hug’em. However, when old people mess their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will.
Pamela Wallin called Mike Duffy into her office one day and said, “Mike, I have a plan to win back Canadian support for you, Patrick Brazeau & me”
“Great Pamela, but how?” asked Mike.
“We’ll get some cheesy clothes & shoes, like those Middle Class Canadians wear, then stop at the pound & pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we’ll go to a nice old country bar in Alberta & show them how much admiration & respect we have for the hard working people living there.”
So they did & found just the place they were looking for in Coronation, Alberta. With the dog in tow, they walked inside & stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back & said, “Hey! Aren’t you Mike Duffy & Pamela Wallin?”
“Yes we are!” said Pamela, “And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through & Mike suggested we stop & take in some local color.”
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar & started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders & walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head & left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog’s tail & left shaking their heads.
Finally, Pamela asked, “Why did all those old ranchers come in & look under the dog’s tail? Is it some sort of custom?”
“Lord no,” said the bartender. “Someone’s out there running around town, claiming there’s a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!”
July 29, 2014
I’m baaaaaaaaaaack! Not sure if I’m back on a regular basis yet, but I’m going to try to do a post from time to time.
Just a side note: As most of you know I was diagnosed with COPD in Dec./13 & it took me 6 long months to be able to get in to see a pulmonologist (lung doctor). After the standard breathing function test, my very nice new doctor informed me I was a little worse off than I had originally thought & proceeded to order so many tests & exams he kept me very busy for the next few weeks. Because of my lung problems, this caused me to be exhausted most of the time & I needed some time off to recuperate & adjust to my new circumstances. But that’s not why we’re here today – this is supposed to be on the lighter side!
You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
I don’t like making plans for the day because then the word “premeditated” get’s thrown around in the courtroom.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row,
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the jim this morning.
Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers, if you find one, what’s your plan?
July 8, 2014
Sheer Nightgowns Can Be Fatal
A husband walks into Victoria Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities, ranging in price from $250 to $500 – the more sheer the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest items, pays for it and takes it home. He presents the gift to his wife & asks her to put it on & model it for him.
Upstairs the wife, who is no dummy, decides to pretend she is wearing the gift, then return the negligee the next day & pocket the $500. She appears naked on the balcony & strikes a pose.
The husband says, Good grief, you would think for $500 they would at least iron it!
He never heard the shot.
Funeral is on Thursday at Noon. The coffin will be closed.
June 24, 2014