This is an oldie but a goodie:
RETIRED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’
theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:
16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here..’ One of the clerks passed out.
buckwheatsrisk
Nov 13, 2012 @ 14:53:34
that is so crazy funny!!
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Mark Petruska
Nov 13, 2012 @ 14:54:21
I can see myself doing every one of those pranks. Some of them, twice!
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benzeknees
Nov 13, 2012 @ 15:25:34
I can see you doing them too!
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Beth Ann Chiles
Nov 13, 2012 @ 14:55:13
Oh my goodness!!! I can’t stop laughing!!! Thanks for tickling me on Tuesday!
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benzeknees
Nov 13, 2012 @ 21:48:06
You’re welcome!
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John Erickson
Nov 13, 2012 @ 15:09:02
I am so with Mark. Unless I could grab an unattended terminal, like I did in a Sears store once (while working for a branch of Sears). The clerk started to freak until he saw that I had pulled up screens showing how many charges were being run in real time – then he went and got the store manager! (The manager chewed me out and told me to leave immediately, then he turned on the clerk for leaving his terminal unguarded! Fun part was, on the way out, I heard the intercom call the store’s computer expert to get them BACK to their sales program! They couldn’t sign on to their own bloody system, but I signed right in to Headquarters! 😀 )
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benzeknees
Nov 13, 2012 @ 15:26:09
I’m almost afraid to think what you would do John!
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Margarita
Nov 13, 2012 @ 17:45:31
This is so funny, I’m wiping the laughter tears away! Thanks! xoM
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benzeknees
Nov 13, 2012 @ 21:48:46
I think you’re the first person I’ve made cry with humor – yeah!
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Tilly Bud - The Laughing Housewife
Nov 14, 2012 @ 04:01:58
That’ll teach the missus!
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benzeknees
Nov 14, 2012 @ 13:06:30
Thank goodness I hate to shop!
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writerwannabe763
Nov 14, 2012 @ 17:26:02
I could just picture these happening as I read them…Tooo funny! Diane
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benzeknees
Nov 15, 2012 @ 01:41:46
Thanks for stopping by – I have some goodies planned for the next few weeks, so I hope you’ll stop by again.
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El Guapo
Nov 15, 2012 @ 09:25:47
Still funny, no matter how often it turns up.
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Archon's Den
Nov 15, 2012 @ 17:47:43
So many suggestions, so few Target stores. I’ll pick up Erickson at the church.
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benzeknees
Nov 15, 2012 @ 23:46:11
I think this would work just as well at Sears or Kmart!
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