Hers is the face of obesity. The face no one wants to look at. The “such a pretty face if she would only lose some of the weight.”
Her parent’s home was ruled with an iron fist by a man who had no use for female opinions. Children were to be seen but rarely heard. Children were accessories to be shown off. Punishments for transgressions were instantaneous & brutal even as a toddler. It was not a happy place to grow up. Her mother constantly ridiculed her eating habits, saying she would end up looking like her cousin J (the relative she admired most in her life who was a very large lady with children in her age range). J was kind & encouraged her to play when she was too terrified to touch anything for fear of being beaten. If she was caught snacking or taking another helping at dinner, her mother yelled she would end up looking like J whose husband left her because she was too fat or she would never attract a man.
At school the boys teased her mercilessly when she developed early. Snapping her bra strap & bumping into her in the hallway to cop a feel were regular occurrences in junior high school. In high school she was surprised by her popularity with boys. Then she found out the boys she had dated were claiming she had been sexual with them when nothing had happened. She was humiliated & stopped dating altogether for a long time.
At 14, when she was caught kissing a boy, her father called her a slut, a cock tease, a whore. Many years later she found out her parents had to get married before her mother was 17 due to pregnancy. At 16 she dared to argue with her father & her mother had to pull him off her before her father killed her with his savage beating. Her boyfriend at the time talked her out of calling Children’s Services & was comforting for a few weeks which he misinterpreted as something else until she tried to break up with him, then he raped her. His explanation at the time was he thought she would stay if they were better connected. She didn’t report him to the police because he made her believe she had encouraged him.
A year after high school while she was working as a model, a stranger attempted to rape her on her way to work one morning. She fought hard & he was unable to complete the act before someone came into the building & scared him away. Although her boss discouraged her, she reported the attack to the police & her attacker was later caught but she never told anyone in her family what had happened.
Instead she ate her feelings. She put a layer between herself & men who might hurt her. And every time a man hurt her she added another layer. It became her safety blanket.
Photo courtesy of Microsoft Cliparts
Feb 22, 2013 @ 09:31:28
What a powerful piece. This coincides nicely with the thoughtful comment you left on my post (thank you for that, by the way). As you point out, emotional factors suffered from various traumas are a big trigger for overeating.
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Feb 22, 2013 @ 10:25:09
Thanks Carrie! This has been a very difficult post for me to do because it is so personal.
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Feb 22, 2013 @ 10:32:35
I liked the use of the third person. Gave it a more, “this could be anyone” feeling, I think.
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Feb 22, 2013 @ 10:13:44
This is so sad but true for so many.
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Feb 22, 2013 @ 10:25:55
This is my “achilles heel”
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Feb 22, 2013 @ 10:27:52
i’m sorry there’s so much pain. xo
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Feb 22, 2013 @ 11:08:03
Hopefully she’s grown beyond this and found genuine peace, love and security that she deserves.
And once again I’m amazed that anyone is allowed to have kids.
Very well told, Benze.
Since it’s personal, may I link back to it in a future post?
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Feb 22, 2013 @ 12:04:11
You go ahead & link away Guaps! It takes me a while to be able to put something out like this out there. In my mind, once I put it out there it’s sort of like public domain. I try to talk about these parts of my past in the hope they help someone else.
This will be a continued post because there are a lot more instances of abuse in my adult years.
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Feb 22, 2013 @ 12:07:52
You putting them out there is a testament to your own strength, Benze.
It’s an honor to know you.
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Feb 22, 2013 @ 17:19:38
The honor is all mine Guaps – believe me, a truer friend has never been here!
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Feb 23, 2013 @ 14:03:36
This is an emotive piece, which took courage to post Benz. Obeisity has a lot more dimensions than those who have never had to battle it can understand.
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Feb 23, 2013 @ 17:00:37
Thanks for your wonderful comment & for stopping by!
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 13:09:53
OMG this is very nearly my childhood. I so understand this.
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Feb 24, 2013 @ 13:22:30
I’m sorry you had the same kind of childhood, thanks for stopping by!
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Feb 26, 2013 @ 01:41:23
Makes me ashamed to be a guy, but proud that there are strong women out there.
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Feb 26, 2013 @ 17:21:32
Not all guys are like this (this is still a learning experience). I am still afraid of most men, especially if they are loud or over-animated or domineering. I still do not want to be too attractive to men in case they want something from me I am not prepared to give.
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Mar 01, 2013 @ 01:18:27
Incredibly sad and all too common, I’m afraid.
I couldn’t hit ‘Like’ but I do think it is well-written, honest and courageous.
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Mar 01, 2013 @ 12:58:11
Thank you Linda, I hope you are not a fellow sufferer.
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Mar 06, 2013 @ 07:48:52
Why do so many people have children they don’t love properly or parent lovingly. It’s just so wrong. i’m so sorry for your pain.
BTW, what kind of modeling did you do?
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Mar 06, 2013 @ 11:13:01
I was an accident & in the 1950’s there weren’t any good options for getting rid of an unwanted pregnancy. What bugs me most is they planned my younger sister. I don’t understand why they had a second child when they so obviously didn’t want children to interfere with their lives. I guess what gets to me the most is they don’t think they did anything wrong when even by the standards of the day they were too heavy handed.
I was a sweater model. I was really, really slim with big boobs so I filled out a sweater really well.
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Mar 06, 2013 @ 07:50:37
PS I’m been following your blog for a long time but they stopped coming to my reader, that’s why I haven’t been commenting! sorry!
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Mar 06, 2013 @ 11:05:48
I didn’t know you were following me back, but you are certainly welcome!
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Mar 08, 2013 @ 04:59:39
Mar 08, 2013 @ 12:00:34
Have you considered submitting it to the NY Times or Thought Catalog for more exposure? This is an extremely moving post (I found you through El Guapo’s blog) and I am sitting in front of my screen with my jaw hanging down. Thank you for posting this.
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Mar 08, 2013 @ 20:52:03
Since I am a Canadian I had not thought of sending it to any American papers, but thanks for the encouragement. I have found when I share my deep thoughts & experiences I often find someone else is helped by reading it. If I can help another person then re-living the experiences are worth it. I hope you will drop by again!
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Mar 09, 2013 @ 09:57:37
This is a tragic story and I’m so sorry for your pain. This is powerfully and beautifully written! I hope you are happy now. Being a scapegoat for someone else’s unhappiness has to be a very hard cross to bear.
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Mar 12, 2013 @ 04:56:05
Thanks for coming by Linda – somehow your comment ended up in Spam, so I’ve just found it! I’ve seen you comment on other blogs I follow from time to time.
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Mar 11, 2013 @ 09:01:29
Very well done … powerful …. and one that should cause everyone to reflect.
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Mar 11, 2013 @ 16:01:37
I hope people do reflect on it, a lot of this goes on!
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Mar 11, 2013 @ 17:59:15
… and your words will help!
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