Tickle MeTwin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.  The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.  One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well..

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”

“WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!” said the other.

“Now get a little closer together,” said the cameraman.

Again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”

“HE SAYS, ‘SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.'” So they wiggled up close to each other.

“Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus a little,” said the photographer.

Yet again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”

“HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS! ”

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, “OH LARD JESUS! – BOTH OF US????”

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After bypass surgery, a patient says to his doctor, “Can I start having sex?”
The doctor replies, “Yes, but only with your wife, your heart is not yet ready for any excitement!”

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Joe says to Paddy: “Close your curtains the next time you’re shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday.”
Paddy says: “Well the joke’s on them stupid bastards because I wasn’t even home yesterday.”
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