Canadian Jokes
Before anyone gets their knickers in a twist, I’m just posting them before a non-Canadian does in an attempt to embarrass us Canadians. See, we can laugh at our ourselves!
JOKE # 1
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, ‘Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona .’ The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, ‘I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.’ The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, ‘I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.’ He gets it.
The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, ‘Give me a Coke.’
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, ‘Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?’
The Molson Canadian president replies, ‘Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.‘
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
JOKE #2
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.
His friend Doug stops him and asks, ‘Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?’
‘I got it for my wife, eh.’ answers Bob.
‘Oh!’ exclaims Doug, ‘Good trade.‘
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
JOKE #3
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked,
‘Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?’
‘Sure it’s easy,’ replied the neurosurgeon. ‘All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you’ll be a Newfie.’
He was very pleased and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon’s knife slipped and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient’s brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient’s brain.
He was terribly remorseful and waited impatiently beside the patient’s bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him, ‘I’m terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain.’
The patient replied, ‘Qu’est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?‘
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
JOKE #4
Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia ?
The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins
and throwing them back.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
JOKE #5
In Canada, we have two seasons… six months of winter and six months of poor snowmobiling.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
JOKE #6
One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together.
They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in their pints.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened.
The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling,
‘SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!’
Rumor has it the Canadian was of Scottish descent.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
JOKE #7
A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
‘Black pepper, or white pepper?’ asked the concierge.
‘Toilette pepper!’ yelled the Quebecer.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is for my friends in Southern Ontario who experienced snow over the Mother’s Day weekend:
Archon's Den
May 14, 2013 @ 00:59:41
I’m really getting into this comedy-blog thing too, but you’re still way out ahead. I’ve got two award blogs done, and two to finish. I’m going to work them in with the Detroit-trip ones. No reason to lose ALL my readers. Thanx! 😆
LikeLike
benzeknees
May 14, 2013 @ 02:23:03
Thank you. I have a file full of jokes. Every time someone sends me something I find funny I throw it in the file & then I have a place to pull from when Tuesdays roll around. It’s my easiest post of the week.
LikeLike
photosfromtheloonybin
May 14, 2013 @ 05:02:58
OMG, the French one is hilarious!!! I can’t stop laughing :). Thanks for the morning smile.
LikeLike
benzeknees
May 14, 2013 @ 15:58:54
I know, right?
LikeLike
DiatribesAndOvations.com
May 14, 2013 @ 07:46:47
Love ’em all! ROFL
LikeLike
benzeknees
May 14, 2013 @ 15:59:17
Thanks, I thought so too!
LikeLike
Carrie Rubin
May 14, 2013 @ 08:15:31
“‘I got it for my wife, eh.’ answers Bob.
‘Oh!’ exclaims Doug, ‘Good trade.‘”—-Hahaha. That’s so mean I couldn’t stop laughing. 🙂
Thanks for some more good ones!
LikeLike
benzeknees
May 14, 2013 @ 15:59:53
Glad I could make you laugh!
LikeLike
Mark Petruska
May 14, 2013 @ 09:25:15
I’m beginning to suspect Canadians are fond of beer or something…
LikeLike
benzeknees
May 14, 2013 @ 16:00:23
When you have good Canadian beer, why not?
LikeLike
pouringmyartout
May 14, 2013 @ 10:15:34
Awesome…. on so many levels…
How about an Irish beer joke;
The boss from the brewery where her husband worked showed up at Mrs. O’Flarety’s house. He says he has bad news and tells her that her husband drowned in a big vat of beer.
“Oh, the poor dear,” she says. “He couldn’t swim. He didn’t stand a chance.”
“Well I wouldn’t say that exactly,” replies the boss. “He got out three times to use the restroom.”…
ba dum dum…
LikeLike
Archon's Den
May 14, 2013 @ 15:10:51
Three guys dove in to save him, but he bravely fought them off. They cremated him, and the fire wouldn’t go out for a week. 😆
LikeLike
benzeknees
May 14, 2013 @ 16:03:23
I think I heard this version too! Hahahahahahahahaha!
LikeLike
pouringmyartout
May 14, 2013 @ 16:32:45
HA!!!
LikeLike
benzeknees
May 14, 2013 @ 16:01:23
I think I heard this one somewhere before! Thanks for the contribution.
LikeLike
pouringmyartout
May 14, 2013 @ 16:33:02
There are very few new jokes.
LikeLike
behindthemaskofabuse
May 14, 2013 @ 13:25:37
ahaha so funny!! we didn’t have snow thankfully!! we just had tornado like winds and storm…
LikeLike
benzeknees
May 14, 2013 @ 16:02:03
No snow here either! Thank goodness.
LikeLike
Edward Hotspur
May 14, 2013 @ 17:44:44
These were awesome! But I won’t repeat them lest someone thinks I hate Canadia.
Two hipsters walk into a bar. The first hipster did it before it was cool. The second hipster did it to be ironic.
LikeLike
benzeknees
May 14, 2013 @ 18:24:04
Don’t quit your day job!
LikeLike
Edward Hotspur
May 14, 2013 @ 18:39:50
Wow, that’s cold.
LikeLike
writerwannabe763
May 15, 2013 @ 04:38:11
As a fellow Canadian I had some good laughs…Diane
LikeLike
benzeknees
May 15, 2013 @ 13:43:18
Thanks Diane, I got a laugh too!
LikeLike
Elyse
May 15, 2013 @ 19:23:58
Another good bunch, Benze. Even if I’m late!
LikeLike
benzeknees
May 15, 2013 @ 20:05:44
Never late Elyse, read at your leisure.
LikeLike
El Guapo
May 16, 2013 @ 09:15:52
In joke 2, would that be Bob and Doug Mackenzie?
LikeLike
benzeknees
May 16, 2013 @ 14:12:13
Could very well be since they were so fond of beer! Although I don’t recall either of them ever talking about wives . . .
LikeLike
John Erickson
May 16, 2013 @ 12:26:18
What do you call two guys and a Newfie (dog) in a rowboat?
The Canadian Coast Guard.
You know why there are so few historical vehicles in Canadian military museums?
‘Cause the Army’s still using them.
Personal experience: How to detect a true Canadian – ask them to say “go out and about in a boat”. If it comes out “go oot an’ aboot in a boot”, ya got a certified Canuck.
God truly bless each and every one of them, I love ’em all. Heck, I’d move there, if they’d welcome a broken-down old Yank! 😉
LikeLike
benzeknees
May 16, 2013 @ 14:15:13
You’re so right about our historical vehicles! Although I must say we were Johnny on the spot with the Avro Arrow. Too bad it got kyboshed. You should do a write up about it John.
I don’t say “go oot an about in a boot” – must be some Newfie. And we take all kinds of people here in Canada, so I think we could manage a broken down old Yank – but could you take the cold weather & snow?
LikeLike
John Erickson
May 16, 2013 @ 15:16:42
Remember, I’m from Chicago. We use those wheeled bulldozers to scoop up the snow and dump it in the Chicago River. And if we’re having a REALLY good day, we’ll get the cars out before we dunk them, too! 😀
Oh, the Arrow would’ve been suh-WEET. I remember the cockpit piece in the one museum – don’t remember which museum it was at, off the top of my head. Ya know, that might make a neat three-point post – the big ol’ XB-70 Valkyrie, our F-108 and the Canadian CF-105 Arrow as “how sweet to see the three”. Let me chew on that a bit….
LikeLike