Today would have been my 30th wedding anniversary to my first husband if our marriage had survived more than four and a half years, so I thought I would post some jokes based on marital discord.
HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift… The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……
Life With The Top Down
Sep 24, 2013 @ 03:35:58
Good way to start the day!
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benzeknees
Sep 24, 2013 @ 11:47:39
Thanks, it’s easier to laugh than cry!
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Life With The Top Down
Sep 25, 2013 @ 04:57:57
I pass your jokes onto my brother-in-law, who is a very good joke teller and volunteer at a local cancer center. He is always looking for new material to share with the patients. Spreading the laughter!
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photosfromtheloonybin
Sep 24, 2013 @ 05:42:27
I laughed so hard I snorted!! LMAO!
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benzeknees
Sep 24, 2013 @ 11:48:13
I hate when that happens! No coffee fountain out the nose I hope?
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photosfromtheloonybin
Sep 24, 2013 @ 18:48:04
No, thank goodness I had already finished breakfast :).
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Elyse
Sep 24, 2013 @ 05:45:27
Thanks Benze. And how else do you celebrate such an anniversary?
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benzeknees
Sep 24, 2013 @ 11:49:07
Since I’m re-married – very, very quietly. Don’t even mention it, ssshhh
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Carrie Rubin
Sep 24, 2013 @ 08:05:28
These are terrific! The last two especially made me laugh in that ‘you know you probably shouldn’t but you can’t help it’ way. 🙂
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benzeknees
Sep 24, 2013 @ 11:49:41
Thanks Carrie, it’s nice to see you back on a more regular basis.
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Carrie Rubin
Sep 24, 2013 @ 12:56:56
Thanks. 🙂
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Ron
Sep 24, 2013 @ 08:43:02
OMG…these are ALL hilarious!
That first one made me HOWL!
“When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!” ”
Bwhahahahahahahahaha! Flawless!
Thanks for the super Tuesday morning laughs! 🙂
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benzeknees
Sep 24, 2013 @ 11:50:13
Glad I could oblige Ron!
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pouringmyartout
Sep 24, 2013 @ 09:10:18
Now that was funny.
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benzeknees
Sep 24, 2013 @ 11:51:18
Wow, such a serious reply.
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pouringmyartout
Sep 24, 2013 @ 12:16:20
It is hard to think up clever ways to say how funny jokes are…I
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benzeknees
Sep 24, 2013 @ 12:45:04
So all that porn is taxing your brain?
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pouringmyartout
Sep 24, 2013 @ 12:59:49
It isn’t taxing anybody’s brains, as far as I can tell.
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benzeknees
Sep 24, 2013 @ 13:15:12
Yeah, it seems your interactive blogging ideas seem to be falling flat on their face lately.
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pouringmyartout
Sep 24, 2013 @ 13:50:35
It is true that my last two poetry jams bombed, and my group porno fell flat on its face… thanks for pointing that out. I had almost managed to forget.
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El Guapo
Sep 24, 2013 @ 09:21:19
It’s like my life is written on this page… 😉
Happy non-aversary!
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benzeknees
Sep 24, 2013 @ 11:52:23
I’m sure you started with good intentions Guaps!
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John Erickson
Sep 24, 2013 @ 11:08:04
The one about the amourous fisherman reminds me of a similar one. Guy gets ready for work, kisses the wife, heads out the front door, gets to his car and realises he left his keys inside, by the back door. He goes around and knocks. The door flies open, his wife, head turned away, grabs him by the tie and yanks him into the house with the words “Your timing is great, my husband JUST left!”. 😯
My wife asked for a fur coat for her birthday. So I laid her favourite jacket out and let the cats roll all over it. And then the fight started….. :p 😉
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benzeknees
Sep 24, 2013 @ 11:53:29
Great additions John! Soooooo happy to see you back!
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Mark Petruska
Sep 24, 2013 @ 11:20:31
Heh. Love these! Having been down the divorce road myself, I can definitely relate.
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benzeknees
Sep 24, 2013 @ 11:53:58
But you’re a newlywed now!
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Mark Petruska
Sep 24, 2013 @ 13:55:17
To a woman who’s a million times better than the first! 🙂
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behindthemaskofabuse
Sep 24, 2013 @ 16:04:29
This is so funny!
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benzeknees
Sep 25, 2013 @ 08:50:05
Thanks Zoe!
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Enchanted Seashells, Confessions of a Tugboat Captain's Wife
Sep 24, 2013 @ 16:46:09
Really funny, needed a laugh today!
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benzeknees
Sep 25, 2013 @ 08:50:31
Are you missing your captain Rosebud?
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