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Tickle Me Tuesday – 110414

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Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

This has been kicking around in my secret cache for a while & I think it’s about time I shared it. Enjoy!

Cowboy Scam for Tickle Me Tuesday

Tickle Me Tuesday – 100714

33 Comments

Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

Yesterday was my 13th Wedding Anniversary, so I thought I would focus along those lines this week.  This seemed like a typical conversation between a husband & wife:

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, “Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!”

Pa replies, “There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse.”

Ma yells back, “Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.”

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,“Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse!”

“Ma replies, “Stick yur head in the hole!”

Pa yells back, “I ain’t stickin my head in that hole!

“Ma says, “Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.”

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,

“Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with this outhouse!”

Ma hollers back, “Now take your head out of the hole!”  

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, “Ma!  Help!  My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!

To which Ma replies,“Hurts,  don’t it?!”

Outhouse


*MARRIAGE:*
It ‘s an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

**YAWN:*
The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth

Still Brooding For Now

25 Comments

A little low right now, so I’ll leave you with these:Friends Til We're Old & SenileI Used to CareI Don't Think About DyingResponsible for What I SayDrink My Coffee

Orgasmic Phone Call

20 Comments

If there are any of you out there who have never seen any of the Mrs. Brown’s videos, I really suggest you give these a try. I laugh myself into a stupor each time I see one:

And then I chair danced my way through this one:

This is my sense of humor!!

Y is for Yuks!

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Courtesy Microsoft Clip Airts

Courtesy Microsoft Clip Airts

Senior Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

“Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course, we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about suppositories?”

Pharmacist: “You bet!”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The Works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”

Pharmacist: “We sure do.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob: “Adult diapers?”

Pharmacist: “Sure.”

Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

***********************************************************

Im Sarcastic

X is for Extra Funnies

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Courtesy of Microsoft Clip Arts

Courtesy of Microsoft Clip Arts

I couldn’t think of a single thing to write about that started with X, so this is the best I could do.

Why MARRY?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
__________

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
”Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”
”Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”
__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
”Husband Wanted”.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
”You can have mine.”
__________

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
__________

A little boy asked his father,
”Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
__________

A young son asked,
”Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad replied, “That happens in every country, son.”
__________

Then there was a woman who said,
”I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.”
__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say –
talk in your sleep or try whispering to a friend.
__________

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage,
men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy remarks, “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
__________

A Woman’s Prayer

“Dear Lord,
I pray for wisdom to understand a man; to love and to forgive him; and for patience, for his moods.
Because Lord, if I pray for strength I’ll just beat him to death!!”
__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.”

The blind man replies, “If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.”

V is for Vodka

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And other cleaners!

Downloading Spring 2013I think most of North America is feeling this way!

Vodka & other cleanersWho would waste the vodka? Vodka & other cleanersAlthough some days I wish some of the achey parts would fall off!
Vodka & other cleanersI wish!Vodka & other cleanersVodka & other cleaners

U is for Uproarious

22 Comments

Local Govt

THE GOVERNMENT’S NEW SYMBOL IS THAT OF A CONDOM,

because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance….

A condom allows for inflation,
halts production,
destroys the next generation,
protects a bunch of dicks,
and gives you a sense of security
while you’re actually being screwed !

Damn, it just doesn’t get
more accurate than that !

L is for Laughter

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Letter LSince the letters aren’t always working for me to post funnies on Tuesdays, I’m going to take advantage when I can to post a laugh or 2.

Hope you enjoy!

A woman from Newfoundland, “of a certain age”, visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband’s sex drive. “What about trying Viagra?”, asks the doctor.”Not a chance,” she said.”He won’t even take an aspirin.”
“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Drop it into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”
It wasn’t a week later, that she rang up the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah!’Twas horrid. Just terrible, Doctor.” “Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn’t I? The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and dishes flying, ripped me clothes to total tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you!”
“Why so terrible?”, asked the doctor. “Do you mean the sex was not good?”
“No, no, no, Doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, ‘t was the best sex I’ve had in 25 years………but I’ll never be able to show me face in Tim Horton’s again!”

***************************************************************************

AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.THOUGHT for the day:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES – NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY’RE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.


SOME ADDITIONAL ADVICE:

NEVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TAKE A LAXATIVE AND SLEEPING PILLS ON THE SAME NIGHT!

H is for Humor

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Letter HSince H falls on a Tuesday which is my usual day for Tickle Me Tuesday, I thought I would post my funnies under H this week instead, rather than skipping it altogether like I almost did last week.  So let’s see what I can come up with for this week:

A German woman married an American gentleman born in Virginia and they lived happily ever after in his home town.The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought along her husband to the store…

Scroll…

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What were you thinking?

Her husband speaks English….hellooo!

I worry about you sometimes… 

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