Home

Tickle Me Tuesday – 061615

16 Comments

Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

Well, you probably guessed by now I have no idea what I’m doing. I posted a Father’s Day Tickle Me Tuesday last week because I thought last Sunday was the day. But I was wrong! The only good thing about being wrong – it gives me a theme for this week’s post, ha!

By the by, last week was my 400th post!

Helping your father

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

“You look hot, my son,” said the cleric. “why don’t you rest a moment, and I’ll give you a hand.”

“No thanks,” said the young man.  “My father wouldn’t like it.”

“Don’t be silly,” the minister said.  “Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water.”

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience, the clergyman said, “Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I’ll give him a piece of my mind!”

“Well,” replied the young farmer, “he’s under the load of hay.”

*****************************

A student’s request for extra money

A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.

His Mother said, “Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?”

“Uhh, oh yeah, O.K.” responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.

When she gets back, Dad asked, “Well how much did you give the boy this time?”

“Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000.”

“That’s $1020!!!” yelled Dad, “Are you going crazy???”

“Don’t worry hon,” Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!”

*************************

Mommy Getting Fathers Day Card

 

 

 

Advertisements

Tickle Me Tuesday – 060915

14 Comments

Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

With Father’s Day fast approaching, here is a little humor to brighten your day:

Who is the Winner?
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle.
He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
“Who is the most obedient?” he asked.
“Who never talks back to mother? and
“Who does everything mother says?”
Five small voices replied in unison. “Okay daddy! You get the toy.”

The Joy Ride
Bob was 16 and finally got hold of his driver’s license. In order to celebrate the special day, the whole family went out to the driveway and climbed into the car to enjoy his first official drive. However, dad went to the back seat, where he sat right behind his boy.

When Bob saw his dad he said “Dad, you must be fed up of the front seat after teaching me how to drive all these days Right?”

“Nope!”, came the quick reply from the dad. “I’m going to sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me for the last sixteen years!”

Magic Penny
After putting their three-year-old child Brian in bed, his parents heard muffled sobs coming from his room one night. Rushing back in, they found that the child was crying hysterically when he saw them. He told his parents that he had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure that he would die now. The father, in an attempt to sober him down, took out a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it out from Brian’s ear. The child was really thrilled and stopped crying at once.

In a flash, he snatched the penny from his dad’s hand, swallowed it, and then cheerfully demanded, “Do it again, Dad!”

Tickle Me Tuesday – 021715

10 Comments

Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

Happy Mardi Gras/Fat Tuesday/Carnivale!

What’s the problem with jogging during Mardi Gras? The ice falls out of your drinks!

Mardi Gras is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper.

source: http://jokes4us.com/holidayjokes/mardigrasjokes/mardigrasonelinerjokes.html

Mardi Gras is the love of life. It is the harmonic convergence of our food, our music, our creativity, our eccentricity, our neighborhoods, and our joy of living. All at once.”
Chris Rose

What did the young pancake say to the old burnt pancake?
I don’t like your flip side.

Dog with Pancake on Nose

And for all my friends in the Maritimes, Eastern Canada or Northeastern US, hope you’re still able to walk your dog!

Husky On Sled

 

Tickle Me Tuesday – 012715

14 Comments

Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

The Explanation

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.

People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline.

The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.

It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature’s way of making older people do more exercise.

***********************************

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher & a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together 2 or 3 times a week for coffee & to talk shop.  One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.  One thing led to another & they decided to do an experiment.  They would all go into the woods, find a bear, preach to it & attempt to convert it to their religion.  Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, with his arm in a sling, was on crutches & had various bandages on his body & limbs.

“Well,” he said, “I went into the woods to find me a bear.  And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.  Well that bear wanted nothing to do with me & began to slap me around so I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him & Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.  The Bishop is coming out next week to give him First Communion.”

Reverent Billy Bob spoke next.  He was in a wheelchair, had 1 arm & both legs in casts with an IV drip.  In his best fire & brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, “Well, brothers, you know that we Baptists don’t sprinkle!  I went out & found me a bear.  And then I began to read to my bear from God’s Holy Word!  But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.  So I took hold of him & we began to wrestle.  We wrestled down one hill, up & down another until we came to a creek.  So I quickly dunked him & baptized his hairy soul.  Just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.  We spent the rest of the day praising God & shouting Hallelujah!

The Priest & the Preacher both looked down at the Rabbi who was lying in a hospital bed in a body cast & traction with IV’s & monitors running in & out of him.  He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up & said, “Looking back on it, . . . circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

Tickle Me Tuesday – 012015

12 Comments

Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’

The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT..’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.

‘That’s very good!’ replied Jennifer.
‘And, now you sir?’ she asked the second man.

‘Hmmm….let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’

‘Excellent!’ said Jennifer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.’ She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.. ‘Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light,’ she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’

‘WHAT!?’ said Jennifer, stunned by the response…

‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.’

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you.

********************************************

I Got the FlyDont Ask But Yes I Could Use Some Help

Tickle Me Tuesday – 110414

17 Comments

Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

This has been kicking around in my secret cache for a while & I think it’s about time I shared it. Enjoy!

Cowboy Scam for Tickle Me Tuesday

Tickle Me Tuesday – 100714

33 Comments

Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

Yesterday was my 13th Wedding Anniversary, so I thought I would focus along those lines this week.  This seemed like a typical conversation between a husband & wife:

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, “Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!”

Pa replies, “There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse.”

Ma yells back, “Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.”

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back,“Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse!”

“Ma replies, “Stick yur head in the hole!”

Pa yells back, “I ain’t stickin my head in that hole!

“Ma says, “Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.”

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,

“Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with this outhouse!”

Ma hollers back, “Now take your head out of the hole!”  

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, “Ma!  Help!  My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!

To which Ma replies,“Hurts,  don’t it?!”

Outhouse


*MARRIAGE:*
It ‘s an agreement wherein a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

**YAWN:*
The only time when some married men ever get to open their mouth

Older Entries

%d bloggers like this: