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Tickle Me Tuesday – 012715

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Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

The Explanation

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.

People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline.

The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.

It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature’s way of making older people do more exercise.

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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher & a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together 2 or 3 times a week for coffee & to talk shop.  One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.  One thing led to another & they decided to do an experiment.  They would all go into the woods, find a bear, preach to it & attempt to convert it to their religion.  Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, with his arm in a sling, was on crutches & had various bandages on his body & limbs.

“Well,” he said, “I went into the woods to find me a bear.  And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.  Well that bear wanted nothing to do with me & began to slap me around so I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him & Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.  The Bishop is coming out next week to give him First Communion.”

Reverent Billy Bob spoke next.  He was in a wheelchair, had 1 arm & both legs in casts with an IV drip.  In his best fire & brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, “Well, brothers, you know that we Baptists don’t sprinkle!  I went out & found me a bear.  And then I began to read to my bear from God’s Holy Word!  But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.  So I took hold of him & we began to wrestle.  We wrestled down one hill, up & down another until we came to a creek.  So I quickly dunked him & baptized his hairy soul.  Just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.  We spent the rest of the day praising God & shouting Hallelujah!

The Priest & the Preacher both looked down at the Rabbi who was lying in a hospital bed in a body cast & traction with IV’s & monitors running in & out of him.  He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up & said, “Looking back on it, . . . circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

Tickle Me Tuesday – 012015

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Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’

The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT..’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.

‘That’s very good!’ replied Jennifer.
‘And, now you sir?’ she asked the second man.

‘Hmmm….let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’

‘Excellent!’ said Jennifer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.’ She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.. ‘Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light,’ she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’

‘WHAT!?’ said Jennifer, stunned by the response…

‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.’

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you.

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I Got the FlyDont Ask But Yes I Could Use Some Help

Tickle Me Tuesday – 011315

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Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

Courtesy Microsoft Clip Arts

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.

The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.  The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn’t talk for more than 8 minutes.The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.  But, the third Sunday, he put his wife’s teeth in by mistake and he couldn’t shut up…

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 Box of Chocolate 2 PoundsAnd for those of you suffering from post-holiday weight gain ~

Words…

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benzeknees:

These posts first appeared on Pouring My Art Out in November, 2014 but they are so appropriate for what is happening in our world now!

Originally posted on Pouring My Art Out:

Words are so powerful. They exist only as puffs of air and the vibrations of our vocal chords that transmit sound waves that react with the eardrums of other human beings. And yet words are so much more. They encapsulate everything that we are as human beings. They help us spread ideas and concepts. Organized society could not exist without us working together, and words allow us to do that. They let us pass knowledge down through the ages.

They are tools… and they are weapons. They can spread love and joy, or hate and violence. Words are how we reach out into the world around us and connect with other people. Words, in and of themselves, are nothing. But they represent real things, real emotions, real events, real history, real reality. And they allow us to conceive of the future and create things and beings and places that do not actually…

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An open letter to ISIS… or, as I like to think of you, and all due respect to George Clooney here, the men who sleep with goats…

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benzeknees:

Unfortunately, this kind of post could get you killed in certain circles, as evidenced by the debacle at Charlie Hebron in France yesterday. This is why I thought it was so important to re-blog this!

Originally posted on Pouring My Art Out:

Dear ISIS, you petulant, spoiled, obnoxious little baby-men…

a 1 a 1

Islam was once renowned for its tolerance of other religions and open-mindedness, as well the beauty of its architecture, its culture and its interest in education and learning. So what the hell happened to you guys? Why do fundamentalists always think their god is going to give them extra bonus points for blind exuberance and mindlessly getting carried away?

Yes, you are supposed to convert the infidel… with words. Your religion asks you to be thoughtful and contemplate the wisdom of its message. It asks you to convince others of the truth of these messages. Converting people is the challenge. If you kill them, you lose your chance to do that. You are lazy and stupid and you are taking the cowards way out. Because it might take living side by side with unbelievers for decades, and engaging them in conversation, and listening to their viewpoints, and expressing the…

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2014 in review

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Another year has come & gone in the world of blogging.  This is what I was up to during 2014, what were you doing?

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Sydney Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 8,300 times in 2014. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 3 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Happy New Year 2015!

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Ssssssshhhhhhh! It would appear some of you partied too hard last night . . .

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