Ssssssshhhhhhh! It would appear some of you partied too hard last night . . .
December 23, 2014
Ten worst gifts to buy a woman
1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make “housework” easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. One allowed choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)
2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, “honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting.” “This Windex should last you a while.” “I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner.” All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.
3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a “night out with the boys.”
4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. “Honey, I’m sure you’ll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you.” By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won’t be around for NEXT Christmas.
5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).
6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year’s party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.
8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman’s clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she’ll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, “were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?” An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.
9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to “do these pants make me look fat.” If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn’t get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.
10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on “How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday.” These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.
Courtesy of: http://www.ahajokes.com/nobuy.html
I hope all my blogging buddies have the best Christmas ever! I will be spending tonight in a sleep lab as they try to figure out if I breathe in my sleep, hahahahahahaha!
December 16, 2014
I “toyed” with the idea of making this my Christmas Tickle Me post because next week will be so close to Christmas, but decided to “present” this post instead! :)
My husband (the complainer) said, “OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks!”
He looked straight at my husband & in a loud voice he said, “Your wife’s pussy doesn’t stink anymore. We washed & shaved it & now she smells like a rose! Oh & by the way, she’s pregnant! God only knows who the father is!”
December 12, 2014
I know, I know – it’s been a really long time but some unfortunate personal life changes have kept me away from here for too long.
I just finished reading Dark Prayer by Natasha Mostert last night. If you recall, I have read 3 of her books previously & loved each one (https://benzeknees.wordpress.com/2014/04/14/benze-on-books-april-1414/ and https://benzeknees.wordpress.com/2014/04/07/benze-on-books-april-714/). This book was definitely another loved quick read.
Synopsis: Eloise Blake is on the run from a life she can no longer remember. And from a killer who will stop at nothing, to protect a secret as old as time.
While this book was only 253 pages in my e-reader, it was packed with twists & turns with 2 strong themes woven so delicately throughout the book you almost don’t realize they’ve been there all along. Jack is not your usual hero & Eloise is not your usual heroine, they have a lot to overcome as a number of attempts are made on Eloise’s life. Natasha Mostert has a knack for taking unusual people & putting them in tricky situations so you can see how they react.
I would definitely give this book a 4 out of 5!
December 11, 2014
This deserves to be seen by as many people as possible . . .
Originally posted on Mended Musings:
I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. I’m going to ask you to share this post. Reblog it, share it on Facebook, tweet it. Someone out there needs to hear this message today. Even if you think you don’t know anyone who has been abused. Even if you don’t read the entire post.
About a month ago I was asked by Dawn at WTF words, thoughts, feelings to contribute an essay for an anthology that she and Joyelle are creating for parents who are survivors of childhood sexual and physical abuse (learn more at https://www.facebook.com/TriggerPointsAnthology).
I submitted my essay but I also want to shine a bigger spotlight on this project because I fear that they may not get many submissions. Not because it’s not a worthy cause or because there aren’t enough people out there to contribute but because survivors of abuse are secret…
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November 25, 2014
I’d like to wish all my friends in the US a Happy Thanksgiving!
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, “You’re terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I’ll see to it that you get a huge bonus.” “Forget the bonus,” the turkey said, “All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?”
Q: Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes – a building can’t jump at all.
Thanksgiving dinner is a unique experience. It’s like an orgy that’s rated G.
It’s the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.
“Please let me in,” says the man desperately. “I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don’t come home with one.”
“Okay,” says the butcher. “Let me see what I have left.” He goes into the freezer and discovers that there’s only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
“That’s one is too skinny. What else you got?” says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
“Oh, no,” says the man, “That one doesn’t look any better. You better give me both of them!”
November 16, 2014
This is such a great explanation of disability, I asked permission to re-blog.
With COPD, budgeting my energy & breath are crucial some days to avoid the overwhelming fatigue. Other days it feels like someone gave me an extra spoon because I have a little bit more – energy, breath & less fatigue.
Originally posted on The Musings of a Digital Vagabond:
Okay, so posting this might get me into some trouble, and if it does, I’ll have to take it down. But this is hands down one of the best explanations of disability I’ve ever read in my entire life. It was written by a girl dealing with lupus, but it’s extremely applicable to most other physical conditions of which I am aware. I’m kind of hoping that this lovely young woman will be inspired to write a monologue for me, but since I don’t exactly see that as being in the cards, go to her website here and support what she’s doing. But for now ladies and gentlemen I give you my favorite explanation of living physical disability, spoon theory.
The Spoon Theory
by Christine Miserandino http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com
My best friend and I were in the diner, talking. As usual, it was very late and we were eating French fries with gravy…
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